I’m back at it again! Two posts in two weeks… seems like a miracle of sorts. Something I learned about myself as I approached my mid 20s was that I’m just not your gal for blogging commitments. In my heart of hearts, I am. In my actions, I am not, and I’m just okay with that. However, when I feel the pull to write, I’d like to say I’ve gotten better at heeding that pull… but then again, I have no idea.
Anyways, we’re in a blizzard here in New England and I started my job here in Portland as of yesterday. I also had my first snow day today so I can’t really complain on how it’s going.
In any case, I’ve had something swirling around my brain for a while and I figured I would write it out, in the event that other people have had this same thought, maybe we could throw each other a technological high five or something.
Here’s the thing: we all want to be known. We all want to be known at something or as someone. We love when we’re defined by something that we deem important and will go to extremes to make sure everyone else knows.
I could be wrong, but having lived through this scenario, I feel like I do have a little room to talk. I don’t think I’m out of these woods quite yet, but what I do know is that I don’t live and die (anymore) by what people know of me. In fact, I’ve almost gone so far to the other side, that it feels like I’m holding on to an identity secret in hopes that no one will know about it.
Worship leader. Ooooh. Yeah. That! There was a time (and not very long ago) that worship leader was what I needed you to know about me. If you didn’t know that about me, I was in shock and awe and maybe even annoyed. For my journey on that whole road, you can read old posts on this blog to read about how I handled it. In the moment, I thought I was handling it with grace but my inner world was complete chaos. Little did I know that my (then) boyfriend was going through the same thing – those crossroads like to isolate you into thinking you’re the only one with the problem, obviously. I can’t let him or anyone know about this because WHAT will they think?
It’s pretty insane how much we do and say based on other people’s approval; and those people aren’t even worth the effort half the time. Brash? Maybe. But really, why do we care so much? Why did I care so much?
A world I had known for so long began to shape who I was and I had no idea that it was pretty toxic.
After countless counseling sessions with a dear friend of ours (Jason Vallotton – if you guys haven’t read his book The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness, you really should) and some pretty raw talks with the Lord and my husband, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, the thing we spend so much time fighting for is the thing that makes us tired; but we identify with it, so it gives off a pseudo-life giving vibe. It’s almost as if I wouldn’t have known who Carla was without fighting for that thing that really wasn’t worth fighting for. It’s tricky like that!
A few years have gone by since the face to face realization that it’s OKAY to not be known by something. My gifting and hobby aren’t what make me, ME.
On the other side of this journey has been rest. It’s been a lot of rest. When you live in a world that is just as incredible and fun without being under the cloud of striving, you begin to see what (I think) Jesus was talking about…
“…and you will find rest for your soul.”